Nov 3 goals

Okay, tomorrow my goals are:

1. Listen to my body and pay attention to what I am eating. Basically I will only eat when I am hungry and I will stop eating when I am full. I usually do okay with this when I am at work. Tomorrow I am going to taste everything that I eat. Problem is when I come home, in the evenings.

2. Get 1 hour of exercise. Tomorrow I will go to the gym for 1 hour of circuit training.

3. Get 7.5 hours of sleep minimum. I"m going to bed after this message.

4. DO NOT STEP ON THE SCALE. That stupid thing drives me mad.

nov 2

breakfast: bran 70 cereal 110 milk 55

snack: coffee 60 egg white 30

lunch: bean and rice dish 325

snack: yogurt (100) popcorn (100)

frappuccino (130)

dinner: meatloaf (126) corn (80) rice (155)

mini aero (40) reese bp cup (88) oero (80) mini oh henry *45)

total = 1594

Not the end of the world but im certainly not losing any weight.

junk cals i could have easily cut out: 383

Oct 30

coffee 200

breakfast: bran 70 cereal 110 milk 55

snack: yogurt (100) and egg whites (30)

lunch: squash soup (120)

snack: 3 mini choc bars (150)

2 oreos (200)

dinner: 1 slice pizza (305) garlic bread (190)

fibre one bar (150)

carrot juice (75)

then i was realy bad. i am too embarrassed to say what i ate, but we can safely say it was about 450 calories.

2405 calories. that's totally depressing.

Oct 28

breakfast: coffee 160

snack: yogurt 100

lunch: squash soup 160

snack: 2 egg whites 30, sugarfree redbull 0

dinner: stuffed green pepper 165 potatoes 170

snack: skinny cow ice cream 125

fibre 1 bar: 140

And then I screwed up:

2 oreos 200

nutella 200

Total cals = 1550

junk cals i could have cut out: 400

Still not bad, considering.

I'm going to head to the gym for 1 hour of circuit training. My sto mach is going crazy, its upset.

Oct 27

breakfast: bran (70) cereal (110) milk (60) coffee (50)

snack: yogurt (100) coffee (50)

lunch: bean and rice dish (310)

snack: 2 egg wh ites (30) soup (70) crystal light smoothie (75)

dinner: chicken parmasean (280) rice 170 asparagus 65

snack: blackberries with light dip (100)

12 m&ms = 60

turkey/ham roll = 60

1 hour walk = 200 calories burned

Total calories: 1660

junk cals i could have cut out = 185

Wow the calories add up SO fast. I'm going to take my dog for a walk soon but I wish I had done better today. Gotta watch that portion of rice better next time.

Wow I'm exhausted.

Oct 26

so having a scale to weigh my food is amazing!!! i feel so much more confident about the calories i'm recording. i know i said before i wasn't going to count but i need to.

breakfast: bran (70) 59g cereal (110) milk (55)

snack: yogurt (100) 5 triscuits (100)

lunch: 12.6 oz butternut squash soup (140), sour cream (25)

snack: 2 egg whites (30) cffee (120)

dinner: 280 g whole wheat spaghetti with meat sauce (350) bread (80)

snack: 13g fruit salad (30)

Total calories: 1210

i'm very happy, this is a 'clean' day.

Oct 25

so I bought a digital scale for $20 bucks....its fantastic. I have already learned that I have to watch my portions of breakfast cereal!! and that my morning coffee isn't as bad as i thought it was :) butternut squash soup in the slow cooker and its seeds are in the oven - can't wait! :)

breakfast: cereal 110 bran 70 milk 55

coffee: 75

lunch: bread (crap i should have weighed this too but the pack says 80) margarine (25) turkey breast (30)

12 m&ms (75)

squash seeds (50)

butternut squash soup (130)

chicken (200) coleslaw (200) roll (50) fries (265)

100 calorie pack (100)

1 digestive cookie 60

nutella :S (75)

Total calories: 1669

15 mins cardio 150 calories burned

40 minutes circuit training 300 calories burned

Oct 23

breakfast: bran 70 cereal 100 milk 70

snack: yogurt 150

lunch: v8 (90) teriyaki beef (340)

coffee (100), 100 calorie pack (100)

2 digestive cookie (120), skinny cow ice crem (90)

dinner; 2 pc bread (60) margarine (60) egg whites (30) cheese (50) sausage (220)

snack: triscuite (175)

crackers 100

total calories = 1985

god im SO hungry today. why am i so freaken HUNGRY!? I do believe my eating today was a lot a result of hunger - I have felt so hungry the entire day. I was starving before lunch and then a gain when I got home from work. I've gotta get back on track but I don't feel TOO guilty about this. If this is as bad as it gets, I can handle it. My bad days used to be 2500+ calories so this, I can handle.

Oct 22

so today was bad and i'm not big on making excuses but today i have an excuse. woke up with a brutal migrane, and had to take some pain pills that i need to eat with food in order to make them work. i know there are better choices than mcdonalds, but i KNOW it helps me absorb the medicine and when i dont absorb it properly my stomach really hurts and my head does too. so i wasn't risking it.

breakfast: bran (70) cereal (100) milk (80)

snack: hashbrowns (320)

dinner: big mac no cheese (440), fries (360)

2 digestive cookies (200)

cheesecake noooooooo there's no excuse here. i wanted a piece of cheesecake. it was small. (160)

bun (160)

yogurt (90)

So today wasn't a great day. I will make up for this on the weekend.

1980.

October 21

SO I didn't eat proper meals today but I don't think I totally screwed up too badly.

lunch: small salad (50) 1/2 sandwch (125) fruit (40) 1/2 flatbread (350)

coffee (60)

dinner: chicken stuffed with asparagus (150) rice (250) caesar (125)

snack: 1 digestive cookie (100)

total calories: 1210

Not too bad at all!! I don't like that I did not really follow a good plan today with skipping breakfast at all and having d inner at 8:00 but my day was really really stressful. Right now I am just so so happy that I didn't binge! I didn't even really feel a craving to - after dinner was difficult but I actually stopped at one single digestive cookie. :) Lets hope this shows on the scale soon!

Oct 20

breakfast: 1/2 muffin (150) cereal (80) bran (70) milk (70)

coffee: 50 yogurt (100) 2 egg whites (30)

lunch: santa fe beans and rice (310)

snack: 1 digestive cookie (60)

dinner: 2 bbq chicken snack wraps (380)

total calories: 1270!

Awesome. THIS is where I want to be. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As an aside, my stomach is really sore today I'm not sure why. Work is really stressful as of late, I have a presentation early tomorrow morning and a luncheon in theh afternoon and so so so much work. I am really, really happy that despite all this, I really kept it up with the calories today. I think my period might be coming a bit early bc I feel a little extra shitty but I guess we'll see. Hopefully I start to see a difference on the scale soon!! Will probably weigh in the morning.

Oct 19

breakfast: bran (70) cereal (70) milk (70)

snack: egg whites (30) coffee (80) chocolate (72)

lunch: lasagna florentine (320)

snack: soup (90)

dinner: chicken burger (210) bun (110) salad (100)

snack: 2 digestive cookies (120) yogurt (150)

1492 gosh i feel like i could go downstairs and just eat everything in the fridge. I could do it so easily just totally pig out. I'm not going to but tonight is going to be hard. Very hard. But I've done well with my goals, I have been eating some meals at the kitchen table instead of at my computer, but I am NOT drinking enough water. I'm nowhere close. I need to get a bigger cup or bottle that I can just keep filling. I'm also very very tired right now. Oh well, going to the gym at 9 so I have got to wake up! Need to burn off 600 cals but gossip girl is on so I'll watch it there :) Can't wait!

Oct 18

Today is going to be tough, I know it. Sundays usually are, as I realize the weekend wasn't as productive as it should have been and I find myself procrastinating the things I should be doing tonight and wanting to head to the fridge as a distraction. I need to remember that I'm not hungry, I am trying to avoid the feling that I don't like. Today, when I feel anxious and like procrastinating, I need to think through the situation logically instead of heading to the fridge.

Did 1.5 hours of yoga today and a 1.5 hour hike. Awesome! :)

Breakfast: cereal (70) bran (70) milk (70)

Lunch: bread (160) cheese (60) light mayo (30) turkey (40) tomato

Snack: coffee (60) triscuits (100)

Dinner: chicken strips (260) homemade french fries (160) pickle (30)

Snack: 2 mini reese bp cups (72)

Total calories: 1172

And it wasn't that hard!!

Oct 17

Made my butt go to the gym today!

breakfast: bran (70) cereal (70) milk (70) coffee (50)

snack: 2 mini pb cub (72)

lunch: bread (160) turkey (30) low fat mayo (30) cheese (40) tomato

snack: handful potato chips 150

dinner: santa fe rice and beans (330) 1/2 piece of artisan bread (40)

popcorn (100) light hot chocolate (110)

1322

So I liked Steve's link so much to the 'Shrink Yourself' excerpt, I have read the entire first section and signed up to the online program. I have more hope for a) correcting my negative thought patterns and b) finally losing this weight than I have felt my entire life. I have long known that I feel so bad not necessarily because I of the weight itself, but because of my inability to do it. It's the most frustrating thing in the world to be successful in other areas of my life and struggle with this SO much.

I'm learning that when I reach for food when I have recently eaten (aka not hungry) that I want to change the way I am feeling. There are other ways I can change the way I am feeling at that moment besides shoving my face full of ice cream. By reaching for food, I am circumventing my decision-making process - and THIS is what makes me feel stupid. It's the inability to make a logical decision, the frustration that comes with making a poor decision over and over and over (and over) again and not learning the lesson.

I have learned and am practicing that in the moment I go to reach for that candy (ok yes I did have a pb cup today and a handful of chips but it's the weekend and I'm usually very bad on the weekend so even this is a massive improvement) to stop and THINK - what am I feeling? What feeling is it that I am trying to avoid by eating?

I made my goal for the week to savour my food. To sit down at the table and eat without watching tv or playing on the computer or distracting myself in some other way. I'm discovering that some of the foods that make me feel good, I don't even really like the taste of. Weird.

The author states that trying to get an emotional eater to lose weight by counting calories is like trying to train for a marathon by sitting on the couch. He's right - I need to change my approach entirely. I have to stop counting each and every calorie and letting myself eat more because I"m below my daily limit or otherwise driving myself nuts. I am fully aware, as most chronic dieters are, of the nutritional value in every single piece of food that I eat. THAT is not the problem. It's making healthy choices. It sounds simple but that's what it is. No more eating to fulfill the mind.

So in any case just checking in. This book is great, I feel like it is what I have needed for a long long time.

Thanks Steve! :)

Oct 16

breakast: bran (70) cereal (70) milk (50)

snack: coffee (60) neocitran (45)

lunch: teriyaki chicken (450)

snack: yogurt 180

dinner: quiche 250

snack: triscuits = 100

1/2 croissant 120

2 drinks (vodka water) 120

1/4 serving chips and dip - this was actually very good of me - I looked up the calories and it was 650 for the entire thing (190)

total = 1705

Oct 15

called in sick to workkkk

cereal (70) bran (70) milk (70) coffee (80)

snack: sandwich (175)

lunch: baked beans and rice 320

snack: milk (90) yogurt (150) oreo (80)

Oct 14

breakfast: cereal (100) bran (70) milk (70) coffee (100)

snack: 2 egg whites (30)

lunch: chicken sandwich - I had to go out for lunch and didn't have a lot of choice where I went - it was this or pizza, though the chicken was breaded. I'm going to estimate at 450 cals which is probably high

dinner: light fettuccine alfredo with broccoli (330)

snack: yogurt 150 neocitran (75)

Total calories: 1384

I'm okay with this. I gave myself the ability to make good choices, and I do think I did. I still need to dive deeper into why i get the e motional trigger but I'm going to figure it out, dammit.

Sleep time...so sick :(

Oct 13

Breakfast: bran 70 cereal 100 milk 75

Coffee: 75

Lunch: turkey breast (120) veggies (180)

Snack: yogurt 100, latte (160)

Dinner: turkey sandwich (180) veggies (120)

Snack: oatmeal 180, 1/2 croissant 120, milk 90

Total calories: 1570

Having read nearly half of Shrink Yourself I am learning that I experience a 'phantom' hunger due to my own self-doubts. I need to attack that voice in my head that is causing the self-doubts head on, and today I did a good job. I resisted food by solving my problems instead of burying them with food. This is probably an overestimation, since I ate a lot of veggies but with no butter or anything but I"m not sure how to appropriately measure calories in them.

I'm getting quite sick so I couldn't make it to the gym today. Will aim for tomorrow but I'll see how sick I am.

My goal for tomorrow is to listen to my body and to take back the power that I have given away. I need to take back conscious control of the fact that I can trust myself to make logical decisions toward my weight loss goal.

Oct 12

cereal (120) bran (70) milk (70) turkey (200) turnip (50) potatoes (80) corn (60) swet potato (100) broccoli (30) stuffing (100) reese pb cup (190) coffee (100)

Total so far = 1170

So I just weighed in and I'm at 135.5 :( God I don't even know what to do anymore I feel so terrible. I hate feeling terrible I really do.

Oct 11

Okay so after a couple very bad days I'm making a good attempt at coming back. Today so far:

3 egg whites (50)

bread (160)

margarine 100

tomato 10

turkey breast 150

triscuits 80

yogurt 100

bran 70

coffee 110

Oct 7

SO this morning I saw the 'woosh'. 132.5, and my goal is 132 for Friday's weigh-in. Just gotta keep it up!

Today I ate:

breakfast: bran 70 cereal 110 milk 80

coffee: 110

lunch: chicken 200, coleslaw 200 bread 250

snack: tristuits 80 rice 50

Kay so it's a bit high because I went out for lunch to swiss chalet...I'm going to keep dinner relatively modest because of that.

egg whites (50) bread (60) ham (50) hash brown (110) skinny cow ice cream (150)

shit! i had 2 oreos (120) another cookie (85) another cookie (145) nutella (75)

Total calories = 1985

noooooo so far over my goal. i'm gonna get my butt to the gym and burn 600 calories. be back in an hour!!

10:48 - just got back from the gym...55 minutes on the eliptical and 15 minutes of ab work later....and even better - 700 CALORIES later. Whippee! My shirt is SOAKED. I feel like i burned a lot of calories and I'm very glad I did. I've had a rough few days in my personal life and this kind of helped. Blah.

Oct 6

So I weighed in this morning - 135. UGH. I have been eating what I thought was pretty healthy, and I've lost a measley pound. I th ouoght I would have lost more, since when I first weighed in it was period time.

I am still sticking to my original goals - 132 by Friday and 129 by the Friday after that. 124 by Halloween. I do still think some of this weight is water, but it still makes me mad. It's fine - I guess I'm going to have to up the ante. Also, I know many wouldn't agree with me, but I am going to start weighing in daily. I noticed that my weight gain is corresponds with me not weighing myself for extended periods, so i think this will help keep me in check. AND I'm going to increase the water.

Keep my eyes on the prize - getting out of the 130s will be a milestone and I know I can make it by next Friday!!

Calories Today

breakfast: cereal (100) milk (60) coffee (110)

lunch: thai curry chicken with rice (310)

snack: yogurt (100) 2 egg whites (30)

dinner: canneloni (280) spinach (10) tomato (20) cucumber (20) dressing (80)

snack: 4 triscuits 80

rice: 80

Total thus far: 1285

okay GOOD so far, and I'm not hungry. I have two boiled eggs which I will eat the whites of, and a yogurt for snacks at work before the gym.

UPDATE: alright, so I just finished eating dinner and it's 6:00. I'm not hungry right now and I do feel more in control than I usually do. I do worry that I'm going to be hungry later on though, and since I haven't been losing weight on 1600 calories a day (well, in the 1 week or so that I did it) I've gotta up it - I was aiming for 1200 a day and I'm already there. I am going out for coffee later tonight but I may just have a tea. I'm sleepy too....and im going to the gym tomorrow :)

Oct 5

bran 70 cereal 100 milk 45

caramel macchiato 160 biscotti 150

yogurt 110 boiled egg 70 bun 125

triscuits 100 asparagus 80 sausage 300 rice 150

crackers & cream cheese = 150

Total calories: 1610

Man I could so go for some of the m&ms or ice cream I know is downstairs...but NO! I actually feel in control enough not to eat it. That's a first! Feeling in control? What is that? I can't even remember the last time i felt in control when it comes to food. Someone once told me that the same satisfaction you get from eating food can be gained from having control. I think this is my first taste of it, and I like it!

A little higher than planned but I will survive I suppose.

Oct 4

breakfast: croissant (250), skinny cow yogurt (150)

lunch: sandwich (150)

dinner: chili (250) bread (125)

milk (90) v8 (50)

soup 100, cookies :( (300)

I'm really not feeling well today at all, I have a massive headache but I did make it out to yoga. Burned about 300 calories in 1.15 hours.

1465 thus far.

Not terrible but I wish I didnt' eat those cookies.

Oct 3

Okay so today hasn't been 'perfect' so far but I have had:

cereal (70) bran (70) milk (70)

chocolate croissant (250), skinny cow ice cream cup (150), coffee (60)

sandwich (250) chips :( (125)

milk (90)

wine (120) bread (200) pasta (400)

total calories: 2000

I can justify this if I a) go to the gym and b) have the croissant/ice cream as lunch. I'll fill up on veggies post-gym for the missing nutrients.

calories burned at gym for 60 minutes on eliptical: 600

net calories 1200, i can live with that.

Oct 2

breakfast: bran (70) cereal (70) milk (60)

coffee: 75

lunch: spinach salad with avocado and walnuts and goat cheese (250)

dinner: 6 california rolls (200) seaweed salad (50) steak teppanyaki (110) tempura (275) japanese pizza (200) ice cream (225)

snack: tiny sandwich 150

caesar (120)

total cals: 1855

thats not THAT bad considering i was went out for dinner

Oct 1

breakfast: cereal 70 milk 70 bran 70

snack: boiled egg 70 coffee 60

lunch: chili 30 bread 125

snack: yogurt 110

dinner: pizza (i know i know) 266, leftover better butter chicken 125 bread 100

snack: triscuits (80) yogurt (110) blueberries (50)

total calories: 1606.

A little higher than my goal, BUT i exercised today and burned 400 calories. woohoo!

i just have to now resist for the rest of the night.

But YAY day 3 no really bad junk food!!! i'm not counting theh pizza as junk because it wasnt takeout and i only had two s lices. :)

Sept 30

breakfast: bran 70 ceral 70 milk 60

snack: yogurt 100 coffee 150

lunch: lean cuisine: 250 apple 80

snack: boiled egg 70

dinner: better butter chicken (healthy recipe!) 325

snack: triscuits (225)

Total calories: 1390

I wish I could go downstairs and get some ice cream or cookies, but that would push me over my limit. PLUS I'd like to say I'm at day #2 of not eating junk food!!!!! Hmm now i'm wondering if I should go to the gym...no I'm not going to. I planned to go to morrow and I'm not going to set myself up to not follow plan, plus I'm really tired.

BUT i'm not eating anything else for the rest of the night!

Sept 29

breakfast: bran 70 cereal 70 milk 50

coffee: 125

lunch: meatballs 160 rice 150 corn 90

dinner: corn (125) margarine (125) chicken patty (220)

snack: 2 pc bread 160 yogurt 100

Total calories thus far: 1445

GOSH i want to whine about that SO MUCH. Because I want to eat more!!!!!!!!!!! Mind you I"m not hungry, I just want sweets! WAIT A SECOND?? Did I not eat any sweets today? Seriously!? I feel alright about that :)

I weighed myself again this morning when I shouldn't have. I'm not going to weigh myself again until weigh ins!

Sept 28

Gosh, so I feel like scarfing down everything in the kitchen. I'm going to STAY put.

breakfast: bran (70) cereal (70) milk (60)

coffee 60

yogurt 100

soup 220

triscuits 160

rice - 200

meatballs160

corn 125

skinny cow 120

oreos 80

m&ms 130

Total calories: 1555.

Not bad. HOWEVER I'm supposed to go to the gym but gosh I don't feel like it. I'm so tired! Maybe I can find something on tv i'd like to watch so i can go workout at the gym while watching it.

ooh gossip girl maybe? YES i'll go to the gym now just for that :)

K im back. Im going to the gym because I like it and it will make me feel better. Im going to the gym because I like it and it will make me feel good. Im going to the gym because I like it and it will make me feel better. Im going to the gym because it will give me endorphins. Im going to the gym because I like it and it will make me feel better. Im going to the gym because I enjoy moving my body. Im going to the gym because I wil feel better for the rest of to night and tomorrow. Im going to the gym to relieve my brain of the anxiety I will feel for not going. Im going to the gym because I like it and it will make me feel good. Im going to the gym because it will relieve my brain of the anxiety I will feel for not going. Im going to the gym because I like to move my body. I like the gym. Im going to the gym and I like the gym. I am going to the gym for a boost of endorphins. I like endorphins.

K i t hink I talked myself into it.

I went! I did it. Burned 560 calories on that damn eliptical and caught up on gossip girl. woohoo! Very glad I did it.

argh i ate a little more - turkey breast (70) picke (20) tomato (20) so im up to 1650. whatever thats fine.

Sept 27

breakfast: bran 70 milk 60 cereal 60

lunch: fresh spring rolls (80) papaya salad (150) vermacelli (220)

snack: yogurt 100

dinner: curried cauliflower soup (355) triscuits (100)

1/4 muffin (125), bread with turkey (100)

caramel macchiato nonfat (140

Total calories: 1560

Calories burned: 300

So I was a little teeny bit over but I did OKAY overall. I ate some extra so up because I was hungry - and if I was hungry thats a good reason to eat.

did go to yoga though so yay me for waking up on a sunday morning to get some exercise. :)

This week's plan (exercise, social and food):

M - gym (elliptical session)
T
W
R - out for lunch / step aerobics
F - out for dinner
S
S - yoga

20 Pounds by Christmas – Roadmap

Stats

Start date: September 27, 2009

Starting weight: 135.5

Goal weight: 115

Days to achieve goal: 90

Weeks: 13

Pounds lost per week to attain goal: 1.6lbs

Gameplan: Exercise

Month 1

1 session Ashtanga yoga, either Saturday 10am, Tuesday 6pm or Wednesday 6pm

500 calories

1 step class, Thursday at 6pm

650 calories

45 minutes elliptical, 10 minutes of ab work, 10 minutes arm work. Monday Tuesday, Wednesday Saturday or Sunday

600 calories

Gameplan: Food

Daily caloric intake – 1500 calories

It’s hard here, because I don’t want to say a food is off limits. However if you don’t eat perfect, you’ll never be less than 1500 calories. Sample distribution:

Breakfast: 220 calories

Coffee: 150 calories

Lunch: 250 calories

Snack: 220 calories

Dinner: 500 calories

Snack: 160 calorie

For each cheat day (ie: going out for dinner or drinking alcohol) one additional elliptical session is required. This includes only planned sessions, not ‘binges’, as binging is not permitted!!

Additional Goals

• correct posture
• grow nails

Setting some Guidelines

So I have set my goal - 20 pounds gone by Christmas.

I think it would be a good next step to determine how I plan to get there. SO here goes.

1. Weekly weigh ins. No more no less.
2. Less than 1500 calories per day. That's a reasonable goal.
3. Exercise: 3 times a week to start and will move to 4 times as I get more comfortable. For now I'm going to aim for 1 session on the elliptical/treadmill with weight training. One step class and one power yoga class. This is doable. I know on days I exercise I will be more hungry, but I'm just going to have to be hungry. I need to burn the fat off.
4. Watch what I am snacking on. I'm not going to eliminate snacking completely, but cookies etc. are a bad idea.

So there you have it. I can do this :)

To add to yesterday...

So I went overboard with the wine. Got a wicked headache today to remind me not to do it ag ain.

Wine: 3/4 bottle: 483

Balsamic chicken: 300

mashed potatoe: 90

veggies: 75

bread 110

So considering that I went out to eat I didn't do terrible, but the wine really threw me out there.

Total cals: 2203.

Eek. Ok back on track now. I'm a bit upset about yesterday but nothing can be done now. I'm going to hit the gym this afternoon, that should make me feel better.

So Far today...Sept 25

so my period finally came. Finally. not that i was worried, just excessively uncomfortable.

breakfast: bran 70 cereal 50 milk 60

coffee 150

lunch: teriayki made in japan 500

snack: chili 190 crackers 75

snack: 13 m&ms 50

So far: 1145

Gosh. That's low enough, for real, however I'm going out for drinks and I am kind of hungry. I wish I didn't feel hungry at all right now but I mean, I had chili for dinner at 5:00 and that was so long ago. Well it's only 7:30 but it wasn't very filling. I'm probably going to have 2 glasses of wine tonight....I'll take it easy on the food.

Anyhow. I'll update later.

Sept 24

Feeling a MILLION times better today. And today I ate:

breakfast: bran (70) cereal (50) milk (60)

snack: coffee (120)

lunch: butternut squash soup (150) fruit salad (80)

snack: kraft dinner bowl (220)

dinner: weiner (100) 2 eggs (200) toast (180) tomato (20) ham (60)

snack: yogurt (110)

Total calories so farrrrrrrrrrrrrr: 1420

Wow. That's STILL not that low. But i feel okay. If I could do this everyday I'd be pretty happy. What could I have done better??

I could have had a more filling lunch, for 230 calories. I could have had a better snack than 220 calories of kraft dinner, but I was really hungry and needed something.

I started in a weightloss competition on WLW a couple days ago. I am super duper motivated! I can't wait to start. I think I'm going on vacation for Christmas and New years - this is going to be my celebratory vacation!!! I absolutely cannot wait. I wi ll be 20 pounds skinnier by then and I will not gain that back.

I'm going to put on a pair of too tight pants and take a pic now for the competition. Wish me luck!!

Random Thoughts

Everyone does not live life the same way I do, not everyone shares my perspective.

Not everyone obsesses about how they look and not everyone worries constantly about things that will never happen and not everyone feels shitty all the time.

Other people fill their lives with things they like to do, other people have interests other than just having friends.

I need to start doing what feels good.

What does it matter if people like me or not? Did I ever stop to think, for a minute, that maybe people like me for reasons other than the way I look??

Realization

So I just realized. I'm doing it all wrong. I've been pretty depressed lately, well, I could even maybe say really depressed over the past approximately 6 weeks. I feel like the weight of the world is leaning on me hard and I just can't shake it. But I have forgotten the simple ru les of the secret - the power of positive thinking. Where the hell did my positive thinking go? I used to be so good at it. Lately all I have felt is lonely, but maybe I am looking for comfort in the wrong places. Maybe I need to surround myself with positive people. I don't have a whole lot of positive energy to share right now, so maybe I need to surround myself with positive people who have some extra :)

I need to move out of the city I'm living in. I'm 25 and single and everyone here has a bf or gf and it's downright depressing. There's nobody here I can relate to, nowhere to go to meet new people. Just a side note and I will talk more about my life plans at a later date, if anyone's interested at all.

As another aside, I noticed today that I actually have boobs lol.

Thats all for now.

Better...wait...not so much.

Well today I don't feel as bad as I have been lately. I didn't get enough sleep so I'm tired, I"m getting a zit and I still haven't got my period so I'm uncomfortable. But overall I don't feel depressed so that's a marked improvement. I rate today as a 7.

So today i ate:

breakfast: bran (70) cereal (50) milk (50)

snack: granola bar (220)

coffee (100)

lunch: soup (120), veggies (60), pasta (120) tiny piece of cake (200)

dinner: pasta (220) , 1 perogie (50), slice of ham (20), 4 chips (30), weiner (100),

snack: 12 m&ms (45), cookie (60), triscuits (160) cream cheese (30), pickles (40)

omg. 1745 calories?! that's terrible :(

what is the matter with me, seriously. i really thought i was doing good today. I really did. I guess I really do hve to eat perfectly. no cookie (60), no tiny piece of cake (200) no m&ms (45) no perogie (50) no chips (30).

That's 385 additional wasted calories. I would have been at 1360. That would have been so much more reasonable.

Moral of the Story - must eat perfectly. No room for slip ups!

Get Out!

Okay I have decided. I must get out of this depressive mood. September is always a rough month for me and it has been particularly rough this year. Plus I'm PMS and that never helped anyone with anything. Plus I had to go for a colposcopy yesterday (if anyone knows what that is....) and yeah it turned out okay but it was a really unpleasant experience. So I'm a little extra whiney, a little extra sad but whatever, I'll get over it.

Well today I succeeded at my goal. To only eat food with positive nutritional value! Well, with maybe a small exception but even then - dairy! So today I ate:

Breakfast: bran (70) cereal (50) milk (50)

Lunch: bread (70) chicken stew (220)

Snack: boiled egg (70) yogurt (110)

Dinner: perogies (450) sauce (120)

Snack: frappuccino light (160)

Snack: strawberries (100) dip (60) , pickle (20)

Not terrible!!! Actually I'm pleased. I know I said I wasn't going to count calories but I really have difficulty with that.

Tomorrow is going to be a good day! :) Can't wait for the competition to begin!

"Change the way you look at things and the things you look at, change"

Trying to Feel Motivated

It's hard to feel motivated when all I really feel is fat. I hIad a rough night and a rough day yesterday, and I don't want to get out of bed today. I want to curl up into a ball and sulk a little while longer. And it's only Tuesday....big sigh :(

I ate breakfast because I know it's good for me. I am going to try not to obsessively count calories, because I get very obsessive about it very quickly. So, my mini-goal for today is not to eat any junk food. Is this a reasonable goal? I really don't know sometimes, to be honest. It seems maybe too vague? So by no junk food, what do I mean. Or should I rephrase my goal into something positive. I am only going to eat healthy food today. And by healthy food I mean food with nutritional value other than calories. That's better, I think.

How I Feel...

How I Feel...

Anxious. Upset. Hopeless. Defeated. Miserable. Alone. I have no motivation to do anything. I don’t know why I bother trying. Stupid and pathetic. How many plans have I tried and failed at. Tried and failed. Again and again and again. Every single day I fail. Of course if I fail at something every day I’m g oing to beat myself up. Am I setting unrealistic goals? I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore. Do I become so diligent that I record each calorie? Or do I try not to think about weight? I don’t want this to take over my life, and no matter what I’m doing I'm fucking gaining weight. I’m 134.5. like omg. I could lose 20 pounds!!!!! I mean, if I ever stuck to 1200 calories I wouldn’t have a problem. Like how should I set up rules? I feel like I NEED rules, I can’t obey my body my body lies to me. I don’t know what hunger FEELS like anymore. I know starving and I know stuffed and I know feeling fat. I hate how much I think about this, I hate it. Do I weigh myself everyday or do I not? I have no idea what to do anymore. I just know I'm rapidly starting to hate myself.