How I Feel...

How I Feel...

Anxious. Upset. Hopeless. Defeated. Miserable. Alone. I have no motivation to do anything. I don’t know why I bother trying. Stupid and pathetic. How many plans have I tried and failed at. Tried and failed. Again and again and again. Every single day I fail. Of course if I fail at something every day I’m g oing to beat myself up. Am I setting unrealistic goals? I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore. Do I become so diligent that I record each calorie? Or do I try not to think about weight? I don’t want this to take over my life, and no matter what I’m doing I'm fucking gaining weight. I’m 134.5. like omg. I could lose 20 pounds!!!!! I mean, if I ever stuck to 1200 calories I wouldn’t have a problem. Like how should I set up rules? I feel like I NEED rules, I can’t obey my body my body lies to me. I don’t know what hunger FEELS like anymore. I know starving and I know stuffed and I know feeling fat. I hate how much I think about this, I hate it. Do I weigh myself everyday or do I not? I have no idea what to do anymore. I just know I'm rapidly starting to hate myself.