Sept 30

breakfast: bran 70 ceral 70 milk 60

snack: yogurt 100 coffee 150

lunch: lean cuisine: 250 apple 80

snack: boiled egg 70

dinner: better butter chicken (healthy recipe!) 325

snack: triscuits (225)

Total calories: 1390

I wish I could go downstairs and get some ice cream or cookies, but that would push me over my limit. PLUS I'd like to say I'm at day #2 of not eating junk food!!!!! Hmm now i'm wondering if I should go to the gym...no I'm not going to. I planned to go to morrow and I'm not going to set myself up to not follow plan, plus I'm really tired.

BUT i'm not eating anything else for the rest of the night!

Sept 29

breakfast: bran 70 cereal 70 milk 50

coffee: 125

lunch: meatballs 160 rice 150 corn 90

dinner: corn (125) margarine (125) chicken patty (220)

snack: 2 pc bread 160 yogurt 100

Total calories thus far: 1445

GOSH i want to whine about that SO MUCH. Because I want to eat more!!!!!!!!!!! Mind you I"m not hungry, I just want sweets! WAIT A SECOND?? Did I not eat any sweets today? Seriously!? I feel alright about that :)

I weighed myself again this morning when I shouldn't have. I'm not going to weigh myself again until weigh ins!

Sept 28

Gosh, so I feel like scarfing down everything in the kitchen. I'm going to STAY put.

breakfast: bran (70) cereal (70) milk (60)

coffee 60

yogurt 100

soup 220

triscuits 160

rice - 200

meatballs160

corn 125

skinny cow 120

oreos 80

m&ms 130

Total calories: 1555.

Not bad. HOWEVER I'm supposed to go to the gym but gosh I don't feel like it. I'm so tired! Maybe I can find something on tv i'd like to watch so i can go workout at the gym while watching it.

ooh gossip girl maybe? YES i'll go to the gym now just for that :)

K im back. Im going to the gym because I like it and it will make me feel better. Im going to the gym because I like it and it will make me feel good. Im going to the gym because I like it and it will make me feel better. Im going to the gym because it will give me endorphins. Im going to the gym because I like it and it will make me feel better. Im going to the gym because I enjoy moving my body. Im going to the gym because I wil feel better for the rest of to night and tomorrow. Im going to the gym to relieve my brain of the anxiety I will feel for not going. Im going to the gym because I like it and it will make me feel good. Im going to the gym because it will relieve my brain of the anxiety I will feel for not going. Im going to the gym because I like to move my body. I like the gym. Im going to the gym and I like the gym. I am going to the gym for a boost of endorphins. I like endorphins.

K i t hink I talked myself into it.

I went! I did it. Burned 560 calories on that damn eliptical and caught up on gossip girl. woohoo! Very glad I did it.

argh i ate a little more - turkey breast (70) picke (20) tomato (20) so im up to 1650. whatever thats fine.

Sept 27

breakfast: bran 70 milk 60 cereal 60

lunch: fresh spring rolls (80) papaya salad (150) vermacelli (220)

snack: yogurt 100

dinner: curried cauliflower soup (355) triscuits (100)

1/4 muffin (125), bread with turkey (100)

caramel macchiato nonfat (140

Total calories: 1560

Calories burned: 300

So I was a little teeny bit over but I did OKAY overall. I ate some extra so up because I was hungry - and if I was hungry thats a good reason to eat.

did go to yoga though so yay me for waking up on a sunday morning to get some exercise. :)

This week's plan (exercise, social and food):

M - gym (elliptical session)
T
W
R - out for lunch / step aerobics
F - out for dinner
S
S - yoga

20 Pounds by Christmas – Roadmap

Stats

Start date: September 27, 2009

Starting weight: 135.5

Goal weight: 115

Days to achieve goal: 90

Weeks: 13

Pounds lost per week to attain goal: 1.6lbs

Gameplan: Exercise

Month 1

1 session Ashtanga yoga, either Saturday 10am, Tuesday 6pm or Wednesday 6pm

500 calories

1 step class, Thursday at 6pm

650 calories

45 minutes elliptical, 10 minutes of ab work, 10 minutes arm work. Monday Tuesday, Wednesday Saturday or Sunday

600 calories

Gameplan: Food

Daily caloric intake – 1500 calories

It’s hard here, because I don’t want to say a food is off limits. However if you don’t eat perfect, you’ll never be less than 1500 calories. Sample distribution:

Breakfast: 220 calories

Coffee: 150 calories

Lunch: 250 calories

Snack: 220 calories

Dinner: 500 calories

Snack: 160 calorie

For each cheat day (ie: going out for dinner or drinking alcohol) one additional elliptical session is required. This includes only planned sessions, not ‘binges’, as binging is not permitted!!

Additional Goals

• correct posture
• grow nails

Setting some Guidelines

So I have set my goal - 20 pounds gone by Christmas.

I think it would be a good next step to determine how I plan to get there. SO here goes.

1. Weekly weigh ins. No more no less.
2. Less than 1500 calories per day. That's a reasonable goal.
3. Exercise: 3 times a week to start and will move to 4 times as I get more comfortable. For now I'm going to aim for 1 session on the elliptical/treadmill with weight training. One step class and one power yoga class. This is doable. I know on days I exercise I will be more hungry, but I'm just going to have to be hungry. I need to burn the fat off.
4. Watch what I am snacking on. I'm not going to eliminate snacking completely, but cookies etc. are a bad idea.

So there you have it. I can do this :)

To add to yesterday...

So I went overboard with the wine. Got a wicked headache today to remind me not to do it ag ain.

Wine: 3/4 bottle: 483

Balsamic chicken: 300

mashed potatoe: 90

veggies: 75

bread 110

So considering that I went out to eat I didn't do terrible, but the wine really threw me out there.

Total cals: 2203.

Eek. Ok back on track now. I'm a bit upset about yesterday but nothing can be done now. I'm going to hit the gym this afternoon, that should make me feel better.

So Far today...Sept 25

so my period finally came. Finally. not that i was worried, just excessively uncomfortable.

breakfast: bran 70 cereal 50 milk 60

coffee 150

lunch: teriayki made in japan 500

snack: chili 190 crackers 75

snack: 13 m&ms 50

So far: 1145

Gosh. That's low enough, for real, however I'm going out for drinks and I am kind of hungry. I wish I didn't feel hungry at all right now but I mean, I had chili for dinner at 5:00 and that was so long ago. Well it's only 7:30 but it wasn't very filling. I'm probably going to have 2 glasses of wine tonight....I'll take it easy on the food.

Anyhow. I'll update later.

Sept 24

Feeling a MILLION times better today. And today I ate:

breakfast: bran (70) cereal (50) milk (60)

snack: coffee (120)

lunch: butternut squash soup (150) fruit salad (80)

snack: kraft dinner bowl (220)

dinner: weiner (100) 2 eggs (200) toast (180) tomato (20) ham (60)

snack: yogurt (110)

Total calories so farrrrrrrrrrrrrr: 1420

Wow. That's STILL not that low. But i feel okay. If I could do this everyday I'd be pretty happy. What could I have done better??

I could have had a more filling lunch, for 230 calories. I could have had a better snack than 220 calories of kraft dinner, but I was really hungry and needed something.

I started in a weightloss competition on WLW a couple days ago. I am super duper motivated! I can't wait to start. I think I'm going on vacation for Christmas and New years - this is going to be my celebratory vacation!!! I absolutely cannot wait. I wi ll be 20 pounds skinnier by then and I will not gain that back.

I'm going to put on a pair of too tight pants and take a pic now for the competition. Wish me luck!!

Random Thoughts

Everyone does not live life the same way I do, not everyone shares my perspective.

Not everyone obsesses about how they look and not everyone worries constantly about things that will never happen and not everyone feels shitty all the time.

Other people fill their lives with things they like to do, other people have interests other than just having friends.

I need to start doing what feels good.

What does it matter if people like me or not? Did I ever stop to think, for a minute, that maybe people like me for reasons other than the way I look??

Realization

So I just realized. I'm doing it all wrong. I've been pretty depressed lately, well, I could even maybe say really depressed over the past approximately 6 weeks. I feel like the weight of the world is leaning on me hard and I just can't shake it. But I have forgotten the simple ru les of the secret - the power of positive thinking. Where the hell did my positive thinking go? I used to be so good at it. Lately all I have felt is lonely, but maybe I am looking for comfort in the wrong places. Maybe I need to surround myself with positive people. I don't have a whole lot of positive energy to share right now, so maybe I need to surround myself with positive people who have some extra :)

I need to move out of the city I'm living in. I'm 25 and single and everyone here has a bf or gf and it's downright depressing. There's nobody here I can relate to, nowhere to go to meet new people. Just a side note and I will talk more about my life plans at a later date, if anyone's interested at all.

As another aside, I noticed today that I actually have boobs lol.

Thats all for now.

Better...wait...not so much.

Well today I don't feel as bad as I have been lately. I didn't get enough sleep so I'm tired, I"m getting a zit and I still haven't got my period so I'm uncomfortable. But overall I don't feel depressed so that's a marked improvement. I rate today as a 7.

So today i ate:

breakfast: bran (70) cereal (50) milk (50)

snack: granola bar (220)

coffee (100)

lunch: soup (120), veggies (60), pasta (120) tiny piece of cake (200)

dinner: pasta (220) , 1 perogie (50), slice of ham (20), 4 chips (30), weiner (100),

snack: 12 m&ms (45), cookie (60), triscuits (160) cream cheese (30), pickles (40)

omg. 1745 calories?! that's terrible :(

what is the matter with me, seriously. i really thought i was doing good today. I really did. I guess I really do hve to eat perfectly. no cookie (60), no tiny piece of cake (200) no m&ms (45) no perogie (50) no chips (30).

That's 385 additional wasted calories. I would have been at 1360. That would have been so much more reasonable.

Moral of the Story - must eat perfectly. No room for slip ups!

Get Out!

Okay I have decided. I must get out of this depressive mood. September is always a rough month for me and it has been particularly rough this year. Plus I'm PMS and that never helped anyone with anything. Plus I had to go for a colposcopy yesterday (if anyone knows what that is....) and yeah it turned out okay but it was a really unpleasant experience. So I'm a little extra whiney, a little extra sad but whatever, I'll get over it.

Well today I succeeded at my goal. To only eat food with positive nutritional value! Well, with maybe a small exception but even then - dairy! So today I ate:

Breakfast: bran (70) cereal (50) milk (50)

Lunch: bread (70) chicken stew (220)

Snack: boiled egg (70) yogurt (110)

Dinner: perogies (450) sauce (120)

Snack: frappuccino light (160)

Snack: strawberries (100) dip (60) , pickle (20)

Not terrible!!! Actually I'm pleased. I know I said I wasn't going to count calories but I really have difficulty with that.

Tomorrow is going to be a good day! :) Can't wait for the competition to begin!

"Change the way you look at things and the things you look at, change"

Trying to Feel Motivated

It's hard to feel motivated when all I really feel is fat. I hIad a rough night and a rough day yesterday, and I don't want to get out of bed today. I want to curl up into a ball and sulk a little while longer. And it's only Tuesday....big sigh :(

I ate breakfast because I know it's good for me. I am going to try not to obsessively count calories, because I get very obsessive about it very quickly. So, my mini-goal for today is not to eat any junk food. Is this a reasonable goal? I really don't know sometimes, to be honest. It seems maybe too vague? So by no junk food, what do I mean. Or should I rephrase my goal into something positive. I am only going to eat healthy food today. And by healthy food I mean food with nutritional value other than calories. That's better, I think.

How I Feel...

How I Feel...

Anxious. Upset. Hopeless. Defeated. Miserable. Alone. I have no motivation to do anything. I don’t know why I bother trying. Stupid and pathetic. How many plans have I tried and failed at. Tried and failed. Again and again and again. Every single day I fail. Of course if I fail at something every day I’m g oing to beat myself up. Am I setting unrealistic goals? I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore. Do I become so diligent that I record each calorie? Or do I try not to think about weight? I don’t want this to take over my life, and no matter what I’m doing I'm fucking gaining weight. I’m 134.5. like omg. I could lose 20 pounds!!!!! I mean, if I ever stuck to 1200 calories I wouldn’t have a problem. Like how should I set up rules? I feel like I NEED rules, I can’t obey my body my body lies to me. I don’t know what hunger FEELS like anymore. I know starving and I know stuffed and I know feeling fat. I hate how much I think about this, I hate it. Do I weigh myself everyday or do I not? I have no idea what to do anymore. I just know I'm rapidly starting to hate myself.